Sep. 27th, 2007 | 06:00 pm
I am determined this time. I just wish I lived with people who are more interested in me. Like, interested in talking to me and knowing me. It makes me feel a little lonely sometimes, and it makes the whole weight loss thing a little harder when the people in your life are just kinda... ambivalent.
Sep. 23rd, 2007 | 06:49 pm
music: deceptacon--le tigre
Food’s not doing it for me anymore. It used to be, I would get a little kick out of pigging out on chicken nuggets and Chalupas and Frostys, but now the spark is definitely gone. But I don’t know how to get out of the routine. When I have a rough day or start feeling bad about myself or need some kinda comfort, I instinctively turn to food, only it’s not there any more. When I finish a Chalupa or a Frosty I just feel terrible about myself and angry that I did something so destructive. It’s like my brain knows it and my heart knows it; when I pull up to the drive-thru, I’m not excited and anticipating cheesy goodness, I’m thinking, “You don’t want this. Go home.” But what’s at home? I think that’s definitely part of the problem. At home there’s nothing delicious and healthy or even something that I want. And I buy things, but don’t eat them. I bought tomatoes, a cucumber and spinach leaves because I was going to have a healthy chicken salad for lunch instead of fast food. But I’m just not motivated enough for that. I have these dreams but lack the gumption necessary to make it happen. It’s only when I’m backed into a corner that I will actually do something. Actually, maybe it isn’t a lack of gumption, it’s more a lack of confidence. I have tenacity, gumption, stick-to-itiveness or whatever you want to call it, but that damn fear of failure, and worrying about people treating me as an oddity keep me from doing what I want to. Worrying about having to hear it later from my family members. “Remember that time you tried do such and such a thing and it failed?” I hate having things thrown in my face many, many months afterward. I hate it. But I hate the way things are right now. As I’ve said many times over the years, things have to change. I can’t go on like this forever. I have envisioned what I want for myself and the way I’m living right now bears no resemblance to the life I want. So what do I do? Make a plan. But planning for the future terrifies me. Decide what I really want. Get a job. Pursue it with all I have in me. Make the effort. I mean, if the love affair with food and I is over, then that means I can move on and find something else for myself. I don’t have to put money or time into something that isn’t good for my body or my mind or my wallet. Invest it something else. Like being with your friends and working on finding a full-time gig. Do something productive why don’t you.
May. 3rd, 2007 | 08:33 pm
music: my moon, my man--feist
I’m serious about this. I’m serious about this. I’m totally fucking serious about this. I’m going to do it this time and I’m not going to let anyone at all ever get in my way. I’ve realized that what I want, I get. I get it through being sly or passive aggressive, but sometimes I get what I want by being a stubborn bitch who just goes barreling through everything. I know I can do this. I want this so badly. I’m tired of feeling like shit and not having enough energy and slowing everyone else down. My goal is to be able to walk Chicago by the end of August. I really feel like everything in my life right now is being marred by my weight. I don’t have the self-esteem that I should because of my weight which is making me push away my friends and family, and it’s preventing me from actually going for the jobs and other things I want. Someone as fat as I am can’t have the great job and life. She belongs locked in her room watching the Lifetime Network. Oh that’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever written. Sick. I’m doing this. For reals. I just want the little things like being able to climb two flights of stairs without being completely out of commission. Being able to shop and not have to order everything off the internet. Being able to look at my body in the mirror and not be repulsed by it. Not to mention it’d be great to not get diabetes or have a heart attack or stroke. I wanna have a life. And since I want it, I will have it. Get some balls, Jonesy.
Spaghetti and bread
2 helpings of Cheesy rice, corn, and pork loin
1 can of Coke zero3 glasses of water
Dec. 4th, 2005 | 11:50 pm
music: popular--nada surf
I have been so horrible lately. It all went downhill at THanksgiving. Since then, I have been eating whatever I want at all hours of the day and no exercising. Prague is fading. i still wanna go, but it's not occupying my thoughts. I've been working and sleeping and getting ready for finals. I'm gonna exercise tomorrow morning and get back on track.
WATER: five glasses (wow)
Two glasses of juice, fried chicken, corn on the cob, one roll, red beans and rice
a frappuccino (bad, Jonesy)
Nov. 26th, 2005 | 12:55 pm
music: kissing jessica stein
I have been sooo bad lately. I haven't walked since... at least Tuesday and I've been eating pies and sandwiches and drinking pop at all hours of the night. But it's Thanksgiving. I need to get it together next week though. The semester is ending so i need to get some classes (anything will do at this point) and pay stuff off and buy presents. I think everyone's going to get Jo-ann gift cards this. Yes. GIft Cards for all!
Nov. 23rd, 2005 | 11:18 pm
music: my hero--foo fighters
I could not sleep last night. I kept thinking of things. The idea of going away just kept running through my mind last night and I kept waking up, wanting to go into my parents’ room and shake them awake so we could talk. I’m so… excited and I will do anything to get to go—anything. Including work at American Sales. I guess what’s stopping me is the way Ma is just jumping down my throat. “Did you apply yet? Did you apply yet?” I will apply. If I can get a job and get money and be out of the house more, I’ll gladly heft X-mas trees onto my back and strap Jacuzzis to people’s vans. I can’t be here with Ma all the time. Too much time with Ma makes me stabby. Wait—what? WTF? I love writing WTF. It makes me glad. Not sad or mad. Wow, I’m in a good mood. I really, really want this. Like soooo much. I need to do this. I need to stop wanting things and then just giving up on them. College, Columbia—I was on the fence, I didn’t care what happened. And I know I need to graduate already, but I’m happy with the idea of a summer abroad and one more semester. Plus, I can tell people, “Oh I’m going to study abroad—or two!” That’s awesomeness. And it’s not too bad. I’m just excited and I cannot let anyone swipe my joy.
But I will need to get in better shape. Of course that’s already in my plan—it’s a must—but I need to practice walking so I can see Prague without having to stop after a few blocks or be out of commission for the entire day after only walking a little bit. I don’t know how to begin. I guess I should go for a walk tonight.
And I like this NIN song better than “The Hand That Feeds” though it reminds me way too much of Talking Heads’ “Once in a Lifetime.” And you may ask yourself Am I right?...Am I wrong? And you may tell yourself MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Nov. 20th, 2005 | 11:16 pm
You've got to stop doing this to yourself. Had NO breakfast or lunch.
DINNER: Ribs, mac & cheese, greens, 2 rolls, can of coke.
Two glasses of water.
Pilates and mile walk (good work!)
Nov. 18th, 2005 | 06:23 pm
music: morning bell--radiohead
I was HORRIBLE yesterday! I ate McDonalds and had like four desserts and way too much food! And I didn't exercise... oh wait, I did. I think. Yesterday was a blur.
But like Dan said, it was a special occassion. I'm not going to indulge on sweets until my birthday... i'll try anyway. and I'm going to Try to get in more water
LUNCH: Salad/ cucumber and croutons. Left over ravioli, two pieces of bread and a glass of apple juice.
DINNER: chili/ pepsi.
Walked for fifteen minutes
Nov. 17th, 2005 | 09:17 am
music: in a sentimental mood--duke ellington
I walked this morning. I'm up early so I should have something for breakfast besides a cuppa tea. I will. I'll have some toast. I am honestly so not hungry right now. I feel like I should be doing crunches or jogging in place or something.
Walked this morning, but was too cold to think about Prague or how to broach the subject with my parents. Prague= more money being spent on my education, which the parents are not so keen on right now. I just want to wait until I have really picked up momentum with my walking and such. Then I won't mind saying, "This is what I want--look I'm serious this time!" I know that I didn't get this job at this time for no reason. I know that it's a sign that I'm supposed to go. And I want to go soooo badly. I must. I must keep at this.
Walked for maybe: 16 minutes? Had chunk of munster cheese, glass of orange juice, two eggs and two pieces of toast.
Nov. 14th, 2005 | 03:22 pm
No Breakfast (gotta work on that)
LUNCH: ONE tuna sandwich (improvement!) two glasses of apple juice
Exercised: 15 minutes cardio belly dancing.