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Oct. 3rd, 2007 | 10:28 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative
music: the devil--p.j. harvey

“I see you as a kind person who is just comfortable in her own skin. You think, ‘screw the world. I am who I am and I’m not going to change for you. Take me or leave me.” My mother told me this about five minutes ago. She told me I know who I am. I wish. I wish I could just stare down the world and say, “Fuck you.” I wish that more than I can really express. I wish I had that strength and that confidence and that self-awareness. I am constantly floundering and wondering and searching. Of course, that’s life, and obviously, I’m allowed to wonder a little bit who I am since I’m only in my twenties, but I just wish I were really a little bit of that person. I don’t know if Ma was just blowing smoke up my ass, but I’d feel a little better if what she said was true, if there were a little bit of truth it in. If there were a possibility of it. It might just be that I don’t see myself as other see me. That’s possible. I’m neither so repulsive nor so spectacular as I think people think I am. Did that make sense? Because I think I’m just an awful, boring, lazy, stupid, childish person, but then Matt tells me I’m the kind of person who makes things happen and gets work done, and customers tell me how I’m nice and calm in a crisis. I dunno. I just wish it weren’t so easy for me to believe the negative things people say about me.

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